It's a funny thing, when your heart is in two places.
For those of you who may not have heard, I have moved home to Massachusetts for the time being. This was certainly not the easiest decision to make, but for now, it's one that is for the best. I won't go into crazy details of why I moved home, because trust me it's much more complicated than you have time for today, but the driving force was the fact that doors just were not open for me when it came to employment in Maryland.
My poor little heart has just been so confused since the decision was made last weekend for me to come home. I so strongly long to be living in Southern New England, yet the man who I am marrying is in Maryland.
It's no secret to my darling fiancé that I have a pull to and love for Southern New England. Goodness, I sobbed (and I mean SOBBED) to him a few weeks ago when I found out that a friend of mine is the new Youth Alive Missionary in SNEMN (for those of you who have no clue what that is, it's the Southern New England Ministry Network, part of the Assemblies of God) because I was so overwhelmed with the knowledge and expectation of amazing things God is going to do in the youth here, and I was missing it, and that killed me. I grew up in this district, I have so many ministry friends and mentors in this district, and I long to eventually be in ministry in this district.
Now, you're probably wondering why on earth I would leave Southern New England in the first place or be so torn about moving back to it if God has put this strong desire in my heart to be here. Well you see, God has also told me and made it clear that marrying my dear Asa is the right thing to be doing. Asa has a full time job as a Worship Pastor at this awesome church in Maryland, and we both feel so strongly that right now, we are supposed to be in Maryland. My presence there has clearly been delayed for a few months, but we feel that God has us there for such a time, and that some pretty awesome things are going to happen while we are there.
So here I am, and my heart literally feels like it's split in two. I've cried a large number of times this past week simply because I am so frustrated with the contrasting desires, tugs, whatever you would like to call them of my heart. I've come to realize something though, the desire to live in Southern New England is exactly that, a desire. Yes, it's a desire that I feel is from God, but it's not for right now. I believe that eventually, Asa and I will be living in and doing ministry in Southern New England, but for now, Maryland is the place for us to be and like I said, God has us there for a reason. Sometimes, our desires have to be put on hold and we have to allow God to use us where we are, to prepare us for where we will be.
Then there's the issue of me not being able to find a job in Maryland, where did that come from? I mean, that's the reason I'm home for now. My ultimate goal is to move back to Maryland in a few months, but until then, I'm here. God is funny with the way He works sometimes. I know there is a reason for me being here for the next few months. What is it? I don't know yet, but I know there is a purpose.
The verse that God has been ever so gently speaking to my heart through all of this confusion is one that is well known. Proverbs 3:5 &6 says, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight." Like I mentioned in a post last week, trusting in God is not the easiest thing for me to do, but I have no other choice right now. I don't understand why I am back home for now, I don't understand why He has told me to live in Maryland when He's also called me to Southern New England, I don't understand these things at all. The thing is, I don't have to. I am not supposed to lean on what I do or do not understand. What I am supposed to lean on is the everlasting arms of Jesus Christ. The arms that hold me and keep me safe. I HAVE to trust in Him and Him alone, because He understands what is going on and He knows what is going to happen tomorrow and He will make straight my paths if only I submit my life and my will to Him. I am nothing, but He is everything. I am weak, but He is strong. I don't know whats going on with my life right now, but He does.
So I will submit to Him, I will trust in Him, because He knows better than I. I will do what He asks me, I will go where He sends me, because my life is in His hands, and I am perfectly safe in His arms.
I want to encourage you, my dear readers. If you are going through something and you don't understand why you're going through it or you don't see where it's going to end or the path seems dark. Lean on Jesus, call on Jesus, trust in Jesus. You are safe in His arms and as long as you submit to Him, He will make that dark and scary path straight and clear. He knows what is best for you and He loves you so very much. Fall into His everlasting arms, and trust that He will carry you.
I hope this was a source of encouragement to you today. Be blessed!